As Ranted-on About by Thomas Simmons Warning: I am man, hear me rant. I have opinions. Lots of them. Those opinions are frequently loud, vulgar, obnoxious, stupid, inflammatory, redundant, offensive, supercilious, obscene, poorly thought out, irritating, overwhelming, underwhelming, arrogant, rude, licentious, pompous, patronizing, verbose, suggestive, aloof, demanding, dismissive, vapid, cavalier, profane, conceited, delusory, impulsive, vainglorious, blunt, unpalatable, shallow, irrelevant, irreverent, and maybe, occasionally amusing. Video Junkie is not liable for any harm that may come from anything. This is a professional driver on a closed course, do not attempt this at home. Got News that you think we should post? Kick down! We will give you credit for submitting it, but please include the source of the info! The items that are posted here are things that we find interesting or amusing. Sometimes we screw up. If so, let us know that too!

03/10/05

Here We Go Again... II
    Fangoria is reporting that Don Coscarelli is working on getting the classic horror film Phantasm (1979) remade. Here is what he had to say about the new film(s):

   "the new version [of Phantasm], in which the Tall Man travels from town to town turning the dead into his own army and using his deadly spheres against anyone who opposes him. Mike, who is developing psychic powers, and his brother try to stop him. The movie is being developed as a relaunch and as a possible trilogy about Mike’s coming of age."

    Ohhhhhh... so it's not a remake. It's a relaunch! In spite of what you may think from reading these news entries, I'm not totally against remakes, there have been a few that I've enjoyed. Mainly it's the level of scriptwriting "talent" in Hollywood that's got me down these days, but either way, some remakes are just a bad idea from the start. Phantasm was one of those weird, crazy little horror movies that is totally captivating due to it's sheer originality and craftsmanship. By craftsmanship I mean, it's an "artisanal" film. There was care and pride going into that work the same way an artisanal baker would make crusty loaves of cibata and the way that Webber's doesn't. It would never even make it through a pitch meeting in this day and age. They'd be saying things like "silver balls that drill your head? We'd like to avoid the word 'balls', our research shows that it is not a 'scary' word. How about an evil doll? The kids like evil dolls. Think of the merchandising!"
    Like a lot of films made in the '70s they were made under a mindset of creative filmmaking and possibly controlled substances. How are you supposed to remake that? It's the proverbial lightning in a bottle.
    Of course Angus Scrimm and Reggie Bannister, the two integral performers, don't factor into the new plans, though no doubt if this goes through they will pop up as "amusing" cameos. I can't wait.

    You can read the entire entry here.
 

11/18/04

Here We Go Again...
    Ripped from Variety.com:

    "Spider-Man 2" director Sam Raimi and original producing partners Rob Tapert and Bruce Campbell are reteaming to produce a remake of the cult hit "The Evil Dead" through Ghost House Pictures, the joint venture of Raimi, Tapert and Senator Intl.
    Raimi wrote, directed and produced the 1981 "Dead," which tells of five twentysomething friends holed up in a remote cabin who discover a Book of the Dead. When an archaeologist's taped translation of the text and its incantations is replayed, the youths unwittingly summon dormant demons that possess them.
    Raimi will not direct the remake, so Ghost House is looking for a helmer to reinvent the franchise before a script is written.
    Original pic spawned subsequent installments "Evil Dead II" and "Army of Darkness."
    "Dead" will be fully financed by Senator Intl., which will hold worldwide rights to pic. Exec VP of motion pictures Nathan Kahane will oversee the pic for Senator.
    " 'The Evil Dead' is such a special film to Sam, Rob, Bruce and horror fans that we are going to take great care in renewing this franchise," said Joe Drake, Senator Intl. prexy. "By keeping its original formula intact and given audiences' appetite for horror, we expect that we'll have a real hit on our hands."

    Sheesh! The Evil Dead was remade once (see Evil Dead II), sure, why not have Raimi remake it again! This time with a massive budget so he can bust out "the money hose" (as he used to call Hollywood's lack of inventiveness in his early days). It will definitely rake in the bucks. I'm willing to lay money that will be the uber-summer-blockbuster-from-hell when it's released and it will give more validity (in the eyes of Hollywood) to the whole remake thing. Not only will it make Raimi what he once scorned, but it will perpetuate the bastardization of modern-classic cult cinema. I'm also willing to bet that it'll be PG-13, be rife with comedy and feature an aging Bruce Campbell spewing tired one-liners.
 

11/16/04

I Hate People
    I hate using this space to bitch about assholes, but I really have little tolerance for thieving bastards in the trading community. If you are going to swap tapes or DVDs with someone, there is no excuse for both of you not holding up to your agreement. There's nothing worse than having to deal with some jackass who takes your stuff and won't send anything in return. I'm sure there's a lot of you out there who know what I'm talking about. So here is our asshole of the month:

Wayne Maginn
47 Bishop Road
Shurdington
Cheltenham, Gloucestershire
GL51 4TA, England
Phone: 01242862727
E-mail: papabobbinwayneass@hotmail.com

    This guy is a welch and a real bastard to boot. Be warned he burned me, so he probably has no qualms about burning you too. Live in the UK? Feel free to call him up and tell him what a waste of flesh he is.
 

Could the Italians be Back?
    What with Bruno Mattei cranking out new, gore-laden trash like Mondo Cannibale and Snuff Trap and a now a new slasher film, it almost makes you think that the '80s might be coming back. Though I'm sure they won't hold the charm of the old stuff, this new crop is lookin' cool as hell!
    MTI Home Video will be releasing Red Riding Hood, a new film from Ovidio G. Assonitis, who you all know is the producer (and sometimes director) of a whole host of great exploitationers such as Beyond the Door, Man From Deep River, Piranha II, Sonny Boy, etc. Written by Assontitis, directed by Giacomo Cimini and shot by Italian trash veteran Sergio Salvati, the film is an ultra-violent reworking of the Little Red Riding Hood fairy tale, except it's a twisted modern nightmare. A mean-spirited little girl's "imaginary" friend George helps her clean-up the street of all the riff-raff and human trash with extreme prejudice! I'm not so sure I like the outfit that George wears. It's a bit too Scream-ish for my liking, but other than that, it looks incredibly dark and violent and I'm definitely looking forward to it. Due here in the US on March 25th 2005, the film is currently in post production, but a trailer can be found on the official site.

On the Remake Front...
    I probably shouldn't even bother with this stuff anymore. There are too many of the new fanboys who eat this shit up with a spoon and have little flame-fits on message-boards about people who complain about remakes. Hopefully some of the real fans are still around and haven't died off from cirrhosis or complete disgust. Special thanks goes out to the neo-Nazi guy who said I sounded like his grandfather and an "old JEW" and that I should shut up. Damn, I wish I hadn't deleted the e-mail. It was an amazing piece of inbred garbage.

►    Music video director Hype Williams will be directing a remake of Super Fly for producer Joel Silver, which is nothing short of a match made in hell.
    Williams is hoping to shoot on location in New York and apparently thinks that the '70s were some sort of Paleolithic dark age:  "It's kinda like a modern-day retelling of the story. We're going to be doing that at the end of the year, hopefully...I would hope to shoot in New York. It's a real part of the story. It's just hard sometimes to make movies like that happen. It's really weird now. You have to weigh out what means more: having money to spend on the look of the movie versus being able to stay true to the storytelling and shoot it where it was meant to be shot."

►    "Oh Arturo, prince of irony!" According to the Hollywood Reporter, Neal Moritz and his company Original Films is set to remake William Castle's classic The Tingler in addition to their previously announced remake of the 1980 slasher Prom Night. This time out, apparently instead of feeding on fear, the creature will kill people with terror and is discovered by a doctor working on the cure to fear (I'd like to see how those funding meetings go!). The script is being written by Greg Pace, who has a children's film in the works titled Trick or Treat.
    If there's any more "originality" in these films, it might not be able to handle it.
 

9/24/04

Joke of the Dead
    I had been planning on not saying anything about George Romero's latest attempt at putting together a new Night of the Living Dead sequel (no, it's really going to happen this time), but this is just getting ridiculous.
    Sources report that in addition to the title being changed to the incredibly dull Land of the Dead and the original (and marginally better) title Dead Reckoning is now going to be used as the name for a zombie fighting battle truck... Ok, let's nail our colors to the mast here. If this was a new Bruno Mattei film, I'd be on it like stink on poo, but this is the new loooooooong awaited follow-up to Day of the Dead (which aside from Savini's gore and a few good moments, was acknowledged by even the fans as complete crap).
    This time out Savini will not be handling the gore FX. That's right, he feels his talents are better served as acting talent. The words "Savini" and "acting" is much like the words "military" and "intelligence". In a perfect world, never the twain would meet. But hey, maybe that's a mixed blessing. Maybe instead of great gore and crappy-looking zombies, we'll actually have cool zombies to go with the no doubt minimal amount of gore that will be present in what will be an R-rated product (in case you didn't know Fox Searchlight has signed on as distributor and will be releasing an R-rated film).
    Oh, I ain't done yet amigo! The casting has kicked into high gear with Simon Baker (who?), Asia Argento (what?) and John Leguizamo (why?) cast as soldiers (!!) who are in some sort of enclosed city in the middle of a wasteland of zombies who eventually invade.
    First off, who in the hell decided to add Leguizamo to the cast? Who ever that person is, they need to be tracked down, shot and tied to the roof of a car with a big sign sticking out of his chest saying "this person is too stupid to live". What, like Romero needs to make this some sort of goofy mainstream crapfest that will appeal to the same people that think that Scary Movie 3 is the bestest movie EVER? Why not sign on Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller while we're at it?
    Dennis Hopper also has been cast, which seems to serve no other point than to add "marquee value" to the title. Hopper was cool at one point, but after countless big-budget, by the numbers Hollywood mainstream affairs his street cred is beyond shot.
    In addition to that, the zombies will be evolving from slow, shuffling and brainless to fleet-footed and intelligent. Gotta keep up with the Jones', I guess. In addition to that, CGI will be used for a portion of the FX, though it is unclear whether that will be a majority or a minority. Here's hoping for the latter.
    As for the meager scraps of plot that have been revealed, once again, if this was a mid-'80s Italian outing, it would sound incredible, but this is no longer the '80s and I have a feeling that Romero is about to become the George Lucas of the horror genre. This is a long awaited sequel and it looks like it's going to be some sort of comedy-filled crap that is going to be an embarrassment to fans of the old movies. Let's just hope he doesn't have some sort of Jar Jar Binks zombie running around sqealing "mesa needsa BRAINS!".

8/26/04

Review Madness! Yes... Madness!
    The Retina Rot Review section has been undergoing a massive metamorphosis... ok, not really a metamorphosis, but it has been tweaked for easier browsing and lots of new reviews have been added; more Takashi Miike, some Nico Mastorakis, Jimmy Wang Yu and Shintaro Katsu even! So check it out here!

A Taste of Mainstream

    Katsuhito Ishii, who is responsible for the vastly underappreciated Sharkskin Man and Peach Hip Girl (1998) and totally whacked Party 7 (2000), is on the verge of becoming one of my favorite Japanese directors along side the one-of-a-kind Kiyoshi Kurosawa. I say "on the verge" since he has only made two films and that's really not enough to judge him on. That may change as his third film is hitting Japanese theaters shortly. Titled A Taste of Tea, it looks to be something of a light drama about an 8 year old girl with wacky characters. I'm not accusing the guy of selling out (at least not until after I've seen the film), but I'm a little disappointed by the trailer, it looks awfully mainstream. The good news is that it does star Tadanobu Asano who pops up everywhere but is always a welcome sight.
 

From Italy with Gore!

    Revered Italian FX maestro Sergio Stivaletti has returned to the director's chair! His latest project titled Three Faces of Terror is an anthology film that appears to be loaded with monsters, marauders and mad men! You can check out the official website which has a whole mess of trailers, stills, behind the scenes shots and clips of the excellent '80s-style giallo soundtrack by Maurizio Abeni.
    I thought that Stivaletti's first directorial outing, Wax Mask (1997) was under-appreciated (even though it did get a US DVD release a few years back), possibly due to an unusually horrendous dubbing job. In addition to the fact that I really enjoyed the bizarre lunacy that was Wax Mask, I am always happy to see something new and horror coming out of Italy. Needless to say, this is one that I'm itchin' to get my hands on.

A Sad Day for Booger Eatin' Morons Everywhere

    As a final parting shot for the day, I'm going to lay another remake on ya. For the few of you that are behind me on the fact that Bad Santa totally sucked ass almost entirely due to Billy Bob Thornton's worthless, unfunny performance that he blatantly stole from Dan Akroyd's character in Trading Places, I have some news that will definitely piss you off.
    Not only is the remake of The Bad News Bears in the works (which will no doubt be sanitized and homogenized for the new century), but guess who will be playing Walter Matthau's role as a drunken coach? Yep, the guy who has never stepped out side of the easy confines of playing drunks and hicks. Billy Bob Thornton himself. It's a sad day indeed.

8/07/04

The Long Hot Summer
    It has been a long summer of blood, sweat and grease for me and I've been so busy I've let the website slack a bit. If you are remotely interested, you can check out what I've been doing. Fair warning, it's not terribly exciting, unless you get excited about foie gras or are looking for someplace to eat in Denver, and doesn't have anything to do with movies, serial killers or undead mutant bikini-models from planet X.
    Thanks as always to those who have sent in e-mails giving me a swift kick in the ass to get some updates done. Some of this stuff may be a little dated, so if you have seen it everywhere already it's because the info's been sitting on my hard-drive for a while.
    Speaking of updates, the Retina Rot reviews section is continually being updated. Several of Takashi Miike's more obscure efforts have been hitting DVD and we have been trying to keep up with them, so be sure to check it out.

2 Tired 2 Rant
    With all the idiotic crap coming out of Hollywood, the remakes are still on the top of my list of unbearable annoyances. So here are a couple that got under my skin.

►    The trailer for the Queen Latifah remake of Taxi in which she ferries around "skinny white asses" in her tricked-out yellow cab is up... and it ain't pretty. In a departure from the original, this one features a gang of supermodels who are heisting banks disguised as men... No, really. This will make you cringe more than a trip to the urologist. A guaranteed hit.

►    A remake of Burt Reynold's last great film, Sharkey's Machine, is in the works. It's one of my favorite sleazy, gritty hard-boiled cop flicks with an awesome cast, so naturally it must be assimilated by the blob that is Hollywood. Author Jerry Stahl has been recruited to "update" William Diehl's story, as Variety said, "give the crime drama a contemporary twist." Like the original was set in the Mesozoic or something.

►    Speaking of great, gritty cop flicks that should not be messed with, this is stolen directly from DarkHorizons.Com: "Warner are remaking Dirty Harry. I know because I auditioned for a feature there last week and another prospect (someone you might know in fact) told me about it - information from his agent that just came down that day. Clint Eastwood passed on doing a new Dirty Harry flick a few months back apparently, which they'd been fleshing out ideas for for several months prior. He's beyond that now obviously. So yeah, it's being remade. The idea is start from scratch and put Callahan back into his swinging 30's or something. And you know who they want? (whether this means he'll get it or not I dunno) The Rock."

Odds and Ends and Trailer Trash
    Here are a few interesting bits and pieces. I was going to write up something about House of 1,000 Rip-Offs 2: Devil's Rejects, but you can read about that crap anywhere.

►    In one of the strangest bits of bio filmmaking, we have this story: Mario Van Pebbles will be starring as Melvin Van Pebbles in the story of Melvin Van Pebbles making his legendary film Sweet Sweetback's Badassss Song and dealing with his young son... Mario Van Pebbles. Got all that? The trailer is up at the official site and it looks... interesting.

►    The latest Toho Godzilla film is well underway for the usual Christmas release. This time they say they really are ending the series and calling it quits... for now. The coolest bit of news about this one is this blurb on the casting that was blatantly stolen from... somewhere: "American-born actor Kane Kosugi will play the role of M-Organization super soldier Kazama. The son of 1980s action star Sho Kosugi, Kane appeared in several of his father's ninja movies such as Pray for Death (1985). He moved to Japan in the early 1990s and has since carved a niche in the Japanese entertainment industry with a number of action films, starting with his father's production of Journey of Honor (1992). The 30 year-old Kane is also no stranger to sharing the screen with giant monsters, having starred in two superhero series, Ultraman: The Ultimate Hero (1993) and Ninja Task Force: Kakuranger (1994). His other films include Zero Woman (1995), Cat's Eye (1997), Jackie Chan's Who Am I? (1998), and Muscle Heat (2003)."

►    A new trailer for Crimson Rivers 2 is available for your viewing... pleasure? It looks significantly different from the first one with lots of comic-book horror elements that may or may not turn out to be entertaining (evil monks throwing down in a supermarket?). Since Luc Besson is scripting I'm not holding my breath. With the exception of Taxi he hasn't done anything worth a damn since Leon.

►    The Blade: Trinity trailer is live and yet dead at the same time. As much as I liked Blade II (rampant clichés and the typical waste of Santiago Seguro not withstanding), this one looks... Not good. As if the movie doesn't look bad enough, look quick for WWE's worthless star Triple H.

►    For those of you who are clued in enough to have seen the Thai film Ong Bak, the greatest and most jaw-dropping martial arts film since Drunken Master II, the martial arts director has a new film coming out called Born to Fight. As much as I was looking forward to Ong Bak 2, this trailer is absolutely amazing. Look for the scene in which a stuntman is knocked off a truck and comes inches from having his head crushed by the truck's tire. Like Ong Bak, there's no wires, no CGI, no bullshit. Just really amazing martial arts action.

►    Speaking of martial arts, the trailer Jet Li's latest Danny the Dog is quite the surprise with a top-level Hollywood cast (none of whom I really give a crap about, though) and lots of emotion. I'm not sure how this one will pan out, but it's very cool to see something radically different than the usual dreck coming out of Hollywood.

4/15/04

High Pre-Tension
    An allegedly ultra-gory French slasher flick Haute Tension has been making a lot of buzz over the past several months. While the trailer, a pastiche of slasher clichés left me a little cold, I am always excited to see some gory, straight-faced foreign horror.
    Even more exciting was the fact that Lion's Gate decided to pick it up for US theatrical release and are preparing to let it go out uncut and subtitled with an NC-17 rating! Lion's Gate president Tom Ortenberg told Variety, "We are looking to do our part in destigmatizing the rating. Without getting into the argument about which films should fall under it or not, we at Lions Gate would like there to be an adult rating that does not have a stench associated with it." Wow! I have got to applaud that!
    Some "fans" have said that we need to get out to theaters to see Dawn of the Dead to "support" horror films. Of course we all know the truth: Every ticket to Dawn that is purchased is better than your signature on a petition to Hollywood to make more anemic, mediocre, multi-million-dollar bastardizations of the great cult films that we love so much.
    Because of that, I thought that what we should go to theaters to support was Haute Tension.
    In buying a ticket to the film you are sending the most powerful message you can, your money, to Hollywood stating "we want foreign cinema released in theaters, uncut and undubbed". That is a great message to send. How cool would it have been to see Hideo Nakata's The Ring in theaters, instead of it being unceremoniously dumped to video after the celluloid abortion of a remake was released to theaters and video? How long have we been waiting for an "adult" film rating that was not synonymous with porn? Sure, we got the NC-17 rating and after a brief fling during the rating's initial inception in which films with shots of buttocks that were considered too extreme for an R rating were released, the rating went tits up and has been avoided at all costs by Hollywood studios.
    Unfortunately, my enthusiasm for supporting this release has been dampened considerably, even though I still think we should "vote" with our dollars for uncut, subtitled theatrical releases.
    It appears that the anti-creativity virus has spread out of the US. We already know that it infected Asia years ago, but it seems to have spread to Europe as well. In addition to the following report, the director has signed on to do a remake of The Hills Have Eyes, where at least he won't have to plagiarize the plotline as it's already been done for him.
    In the spirit of snaking other people's work, here's a rip from an article on the Sundance festival:

    The Q&A after the midnight showing of the French slasher film "Haute Tension" ("High Tension") got a little tense itself. Viewers pointed out that the plot - a young woman witnesses the slaughter of her best friend's family, then hides in the killer's van - is, despite a new ending, lifted directly from Dean Koontz's 1995 bestseller "Intensity." But Koontz is nowhere to be found in the credits.
    Caught off guard by this line of questioning, director Alexandre Aja was now the one doing the squirming. He owned up to reading the Koontz novel. "The beginning is quite similar," he conceded, "but it's a classic story: two girls in a house with a killer ... It's a tribute to all slasher films."
    Asked about the jarring similarities, and whether Lion's Gate Releasing has been approached by Koontz about adding an "adapted from" or at least an "inspired by" credit, Tom Ortenberg, who bought the rights for "Haute Tension" at the Toronto Film Festival last September, said, "I can't speak to any of this because this is the first time I've heard of it. No one said anything about it in Toronto. Obviously Sundance audiences are smarter than Toronto audiences."
 

A Damn Fine Reason to Leave the House
    With all the talk about what to "support" in one's local theaters, there is one that I can whole-heartedly endorse. Rialto Pictures is bringing The Big G back into theaters. For the first time in the US, the original 1954, uncut, undubbed Japanese version of Godzilla is hitting theaters. Granted it's only an art-house run, but you never know. If the turn out is great enough, it may hit some of the major multiplexes. It's been known to happen. Either way, it's a great thing all around.
    Some may miss the cheesy dubbing, which does have an element of nostalgia for old-school fans, but at the same time, the original language version without the Raymond Burr inserts really has more of an impact. Even though King Kong fans my want to pelt me with rotten bananas for saying it, arguably Godzilla is more dark and gripping than any other giant monster movie ever. Now I'm not saying I wet myself when watching it, but it is a well-crafted horror-esque film that is almost totally free of the camp factor and definitely not soaked in cheese like many of the sequels.
    You can visit the official site here, and check out the theater dates, which is almost like a road show, presumably because of the low-rent nature of Rialto Pictures and the limited number of prints. There is also an amusingly cheap re-release trailer too.
 

John Carpenter R.I.P.
    Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who is thoroughly disgusted by the current state of Hollywood. With so many people accepting mediocre crap as "enjoyable" (since it is better than the usual sub-mediocre crap), I'm starting to feel like Vincent Price in The Last Man on Earth... except without the fuzzy turtle-neck sweaters.
    Then, sometimes, I get others chiming in with their displeasure. Special thanks to Lauri Löytökoski of Between Death and the Devil for reporting on the lamentable fate of the once great John Carpenter, even though I am secretly hoping all the quotes from Carpenter are just clever sarcasm:

    It is my painful duty to report the death of a filmmaker. Not a person, mind you, since the individual is still very much alive, although creatively he's dead as a doorknob. The man who gave us classics like Assault on Precinct 13, Halloween and The Thing among others, has finally gone beyond salvation. It hurts me to say this, but the whole thing's painfully obvious. Ask yourself: What has John Carpenter done as of late?

    Carpenter recently commented on the upcoming remake of ASSAULT the following way: "I should take it as flattery I guess but it only reconfirms what I've said all along - Hollywood has no new ideas left!" Of course he quietly put aside the fact that the original Assault was a remake of Rio Bravo, as Carpenter's most recent effort Ghosts of Mars was remake of BOTH Assault AND Rio Bravo! Nice going, John.

    But there's more, heaven forbid. Carpenter also shared some initial plans for his upcoming projects.

►    The Fog remake, as pirate action "worked wonders for Pirates of the Caribbean in a PG-13 sort of way."

►    A Big Trouble in Little China sequel has an abundance of "creative opportunities available to it in the wake of The Matrix movies!"

►    A proposed Halloween sequel, on which Carpenter assures us that "the fans will shit themselves when they see what I'm gonna do!"

►    a proposed sequel for The Thing

►    A sequel for They Live, which "could star The Rock, after all Roddy Piper
did a great job!"

    You'd hope all this would be just April Fools, but there's more. Creative Screenwriting has opened up a contest for it's subscribers called "The Next Great John Carpenter Movie"! The winning script gets optioned and read by Carpenter (note: ONLY the winning script), making it a possible basis for the next hack-job. Looking at the above, I can't say I'm surprised to learn that he needs assistance in making an original film.

    I rest my case on these cold facts. John, go home and watch basketball, or do a dream project from the old days. But stay away from the sequel/remake bandwagon, since they're your own babies you're killing!

URLs:
http://www.filmrot.com/articles/filmrot_news/004507.php
http://www.creativescreenwriting.com

- Lauri Löytökoski

3/21/04

Cannibale Italiano Viva Ancora!
    The legendary Italian master of formaggio, Bruno Mattei has been alive and well and making SOV outings for the European market. Even though I think the inexpensiveness and dead easiness of video has made over 90% of SOV movies completely worthless dreck, I am delighted to see one of the proliferators of '80s genre cinema back in the saddle. Better still, his latest outing is even more of a throw-back! Titled Cannibal World (yeah, I know it could have been a little catchier), it revisits the much beloved theme of stupid white devils invading a primitive world and paying the ultimate price - being eaten alive! Check out the trailer here!
 

Ittenbach's Poison
    Olaff Ittenbach, best known for his two uber-gory SOV efforts of the early '90s, Black Past and Burning Moon, has turned out a couple of bad, bad wannabe Hollywood-type movies lately. Because of that, his new one actually looks pretty good!
    In a slight turn from his usual horror motifs, Ittenbach's latest, titled Poison, looks to be a gritty, violent crime flick. The trailer doesn't show a whole lot, but personally I am so down for any action movie that does not have clean-cut, high-fashion, trendy hipsters in leather coats and designer sunglasses flying around on wires while shooting two guns at hordes of bad-guys who cannot seem to send a single one of the thousands of slugs they are firing into our hero who is sailing though the air 10 feet away from their noses.
    Poison looks gritty, bloody and mean with a liberal dose of insane rage behind the eyes. It may not be the second coming, but anything that parts with the usual clean, neat "Matrix-y" formula is worth getting excited about.

First Fred Olen Ray and Now, Brian Yuzna?
    Phew! After being blown away by how truly, painfully awful Beyond Re-Animator was, I'd have to put Brian Yuzna in the hard-core hack category.
    With all of his movies (except Dagon, which had Stuart Gordon at the helm) coming out of his Spanish Fear Factory sucking serious ass (one word: Faust), he has completely lost any credibility. Because of that, it is with a heavy heart that I have to pass along the news that Paul Naschy will be joining him on a new film titled Rottweiler which is based on a novel by Vazquez Figueroa and is no relation to the Earl Owensby classic.
    From Fred Olen Ray to Brian Yuzna... who next? David deCoteau? This is just sad.

Ok, That's It! I Have Had Enough! (aka Remakes and Redundancies Part II)
    What is it? Am I in some sort of neo-technological hell where my deepest thoughts are scanned and the things I hold dear are plucked out of my psyche and ground into a disgusting pap and thrust before my horrified eyes in an attempt to break my will? Yeah, that's probably it.

►    In the latest round of "let's piss on the classics" Hollywood has decided... oh, I can't say it... But I have to... Hollywood has decided... To remake Truck Turner. Oh yeah, that's bad. I know. But wait... You haven't heard the half of it. Instead of the incomparable Issac Hayes, Mac Truck Turner will be played by none other than... Queen Latifah?! Yep, not content to ruin Taxi, Latifah (real name - who gives a shit) is going to squat down on one of the best black action films of the '70s (and that's saying something) and make a mockery of the entire genre. I guess I should be thankful that Owen Wilson is not involved.

►    In addition to that, another candidate for the "WTF" award is going out to the remake of The Pink Panther which has been in development hell for several years now (as regular readers might remember from a news update that I am too lazy to hunt for). Apparently Beyonce Knowles is being courted for the role of the diamond thief that was previously played by David Niven, Jackie Chan is in talks for the role of Kato and Steve Martin has signed up to star as Inspector Clouseau! Now don't get me wrong, Steve Martin used to be the man. He was cutting edge and damn funny. The key phrase there is "used to". Also, even if he hadn't turned into another Hollywood stooge in embarrassing escapades like Bring Down the House, you can't step into the shoes of the great Peter Sellers. Roberto Begnini proved that. He was a damn funny guy too (yeah, I said "was"), but he couldn't take over the role. It just can't be done. As for Knowles and Chan... Well, the less said the better.

►    The thing that really makes me want to hire a hitman, though, is Smokey and the Bandit 4 (Thousand). Yes, that's right it's not technically a remake, but a goofy sequel / remake that takes a new, younger Bandit into space. This project treats the original Burt Reynolds classic with as much reverence as the new Starskey and Hutch movie treats it's source material.
    The new Bandit is an alcoholic fuck-up and a loser. He's also a clutzy hick who stumbles over things a lot and dresses like a trucker. Says director Tim Laughlin "He basically bumbles about in a Scotch-induced haze. He knocks a lot of stuff over. It’s pretty funny... It’s a throw back to films like Arthur, when alcoholism was funny, not a social stigma. He’s got a bit of Bender, the robot from Futurama, in him. We don’t deny that. " Oh yeah, my freakin' sides are splitting, Tim.
    If you have the balls to wade through this crap and suffer the horror of this guy's vision, you can read the whole interview here. Great director's have died young so that this man can live. Life isn't fair, is it?

►    It also seems pretty pointless to remake the Michael Caine classic Alfie, but since they have shit out atrocious remakes of two of his masterpieces, Get Carter and The Italian Job, why the hell not bastardize Alfie too? Omar Epps will star as Alifie along with Judith Law, Marisa Tomei and Susan Sarandon. I swear, if they so much as think about fucking with The Ipcress File, I will find me a rifle and a clocktower and it'll get ugly.

The Island of Richard Stanley
    Lauri over at Between Death and the Devil, a great site devoted to Richard Stanley, has gotten permission to post Stanley's complete original script for The Island of Dr. Moreau!
I haven't had a chance to sit down and read it all yet, but I hear tell it is (obviously) quite a bit different from the finished film, supposedly an homage to Italian zombie and cannibal films! As quoted from the site:
    "I'll spare the long rant for another day, but suffice to say, forget everything you have seen. Or read. Or heard. If completed, Richard Stanley's The Island of Dr. Moreau would've still had it's share of flaws, shortcomings and mistakes. It wouldn't had been the flawless horror film of the 90's, no matter what Fangoria tells you. Still, it could've gotten close, real close."
    As if that wasn't cool enough, Lauri has also been able to post an rough draft, pre-Miramax Hardware script! Now if only we could get a nice, early draft of Dust Devil...

3/13/04

I am the White Rabbit
    Another 5 month gap between news updates! Ouch! Thanks for the kind words from those of you who have been anticipating more of my rambling and idiocy.
 

Bruckheimer Files Chapter 11 for Creativity
    Having recently acquired the rights to develop a film trilogy based on American McGee's PC game Oz (a goth interpretation of Wizard of Oz, that hasn't even been released yet), Jerry Bruckheimer is negotiating a seven-figure deal to create a movie based on Ubisoft's videogame Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. Bruckheimer (who has graced us with such intellectual pleasures as The Rock and Con-Air) would like the series creator Jordan Mechner pen the script of the film, according to a Variety report.
    Personally I am highly anticipating that nine-figure deal that would allow Bruckheimer to bring the Infinity G20 owner's manual to the screen. I have a copy that I keep in my glovebox, it's incredible.

From England with Zombies!
    In a strangely genre-oriented move, Universal is not only releasing the sure-to-be-unmitigated-crap remake of Dawn of the Dead and the surprisingly cool-looking British zombie satire Shaun of the Dead in the same year! Not only is it amazing that Universal is suddenly embracing horror films again (remember they were one of many who picked up and promptly dumped Rob Zombie's freshman effort House of 1,000 Corpses), but it's amazing that we will be getting two whole zombie movies in one year! These days that's a record... Oh, to be back in the mid '80s again!
    Yeah, I know, "horror/comedies" usually suck, and I like my horror visceral and sanguinary too, but... This one does look cool. While I don't think there will be any danger of it toppling Return of the Living Dead as reigning champ of zombie-comedy, the zombie make-up effects look really cool and the comedy is nicely un-Hollywood (no Owen Wilson or Chris Tucker to induce intestinal agony from their simple-minded antics).
    Check out the official Shaun of the Dead spiffy flash website for news, a trailer and other info.

Speaking of Zombie...
    Mr. Zombie hisself is prepping his second attempt at filmmaking with a sequel to the over-hyped, under-whelming, surprisingly successful (on video) House of 1,000 Corpses. Titled The Devil's Rejects, Ho1KC2 will feature just as much originality as the first film (that is to say, precisely none) with the plot concerning Sheriff Wydell's brother out for revenge against the Firefly family after finding out they done-in his kinfolk.
    Hmmmm... Doesn't that sound a bit on the familiar side? As a wise junkie said: "Since the first was a rip-off of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, it makes sense that the sequel would rip-off The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2."

Oh no! There goes... Bangkok?
    Yep, for those who caught the BOC reference, you got it. Thailand is home to the newest giant monster flick and even though there isn't much to see of the monster, it looks damn cool!
    Garuda is the name of the beast and it appears to be a giant evolution of a prehistoric raptor. Since modern paleontology links the dinosaurs closely to birds rather than reptiles, it makes sense (in a strange kaiju sorta way) that this mutant raptor sports wings.
    That may sound kinda silly, but check out the official Garuda movie site. The film is definitely dark and serious looking with lots of thunder, lightning and stylized military types. Since Toho has managed to completely run the Godzilla franchise into the ground by re-treading the same ground over and over with the same set of monsters (remember when they would actually introduce new ones?) and even the hijacking of Shusuke Keneko didn't help, I have to say that I am definitely looking forward to this one! Plus, it couldn't be as bad as the Korean updating of Yonggary (released here as Reptile), could it?

Some Say "Irony," Some Say "Quality Working Credentials"
    This hasn't got jack to do with movies, but it's still an awesome story. If you missed it, the chairman of the board of Smith & Wesson put in his resignation last month due to his past... Read the full story in the Michigan Free Press.

10/24/03

Trailer Trash
    The trailer for the latest bastardization of the Dead series is out. It looks every bit as bad as we have been expecting, even though it is really only a teaser trailer. Amusingly, Tom "The remake of Dawn of the Dead is something I would never be associated with" Savini has a part in the film as a sheriff. I reckon ol' Tom pretty much sold out years ago when he became a dealer at shows, instead of a guest, but maybe I'm just cynical.
   Need more? The teaser trailer for the Luc Besson-penned sequel to the glossy French serial killer flick Crimson Rivers is out. Titled Crimson Rivers 2: Angels of the Apocalypse, It doesn't show much, it definitely looks to up the "fantasy" and "hokum" levels. Jean Reno would be cause for celebration, but has anyone suffered through his recent Besson-penned comedy Wasabi? After showing up in a spate of terrible movies and remakes, his "cool" factor has definitely warmed over around here.

09/30/03

Profondo Rojo
    The new Paul Naschy vehicle Rojo Sangre finally has a trailer out! It appears to be a big, artsy reworking of Nashy's somewhat underrated make-up showcase Howl of the Devil (1987).
    Nashy plays an aging actor who is watching Spanish cinema and television become glutted with brainless garbage that have no place for classically trained actors. Celebrities are made out of scandals, not talent and the limelight is tainted by reality TV stars and celebrity whores. The solution? Assume the roles of various historical cutthroats such as Ivan the Terrible and Jack the Ripper and slaughter the offenders one by one.
    The trailer boasts some nice moody music, interesting use of color (the scenes where Nashy gets "into character" seem to be much more vividly shot, where "reality" is somewhat monochrome) and a nice sense of style that is slick, but not overwrought. Finally, something to look forward to!

09/25/03

Richard Staley Lives, Part II
   Stanley fanatic extraordinaire Lauri Löytökoski, who's Between Death and the Devil website has finally been moved out of pop-up hell and on to a new server, sends along some interesting news on Stanley's current cinematic options.
   In addition to the possibility of Stanley helming a remake of the Russian horror classic BNN (aka The Vij, The Viy), Steven Biro of Unearthed Films is reportedly in talks with Stanley to helm a sequel to Brian Yuzna's vehicle for Screaming Mad George's odd brand of gooey FX, Society. Titled Society II: Body Modification, the project has been budgeted at a scant $1 million and I think it's safe to say that Mr. George will not be involved.
   I think that if anyone is going to do a remake of BNN, Stanley is definitely the one to do it. In his hands it could be a masterpiece of surreal gothic horror like the original, however SellOut Pictures has bumped it on to the back burner, so we may never know.
   Lauri adds a personal note to the Society II news:

   While Stanley hasn't officially agreed to helm the project yet, it does look like a good career move. UF has a budget of $1 Million for each of the films, which makes them quite safe bets commercially and thus opens a window of Total Creative Freedom for the filmmakers. Also, The VIY - while SellOut Pictures is determined to make it - is currently a backburner since a small, relatively green production company can only handle so many projects at a time. Therefore it would make perfect sense for Stanley to reinvigorate his cinematic career with a fast and violent no-budget movie
(Hardware, anyone?) and then move on to a more personal project with a slower pace and more brains (Dust Devil).
- L. L.

   Personally, I can't say I'm thrilled with the idea of Stanley working on such a weak project, it sure would be nice to see him making a feature film again.
   Now that Lauri has moved the site over to an ad-free server, I can wholeheartedly recommend heading over there to read up on some great interviews and info.
 

From Australia with Cheese
   The Aussie zombie flick Undead hit screens down under yesterday and has been picked up by Lion's Gate (who seem to have just figured out they can make money on horror flicks) for distribution in the US and Canada. No date has been set.
   The official website features stills, behind the scenes photos, the (weak) poster art, and most importantly... the trailer.
   The trailer is definitely gory as zombies are shot to pieces by a guy who quips one-liners and looks like Fred, the lead bum in Street Trash. While zombies are messily truncated with either half continuing to wander about, the film surrounding the admittedly impressive gore appears to be cheesy in the extreme. Characters in dire situations of potential dismemberment and consumption crack off pithy one-liners and cornball dialogue, the "hero" looks ridiculous complete with silly "homemade zombie-killer" weapon, the actual zombie face make-up and such (not the gore) is about as dull and uninspired as you can get without watching a Fred Olen Ray flick and for the love of christ - John Woo is DEAD. Can we please stop having every movie with a firearm in it turn into some painfully dated "hip hommage" to HK action movies?
   But... it is really gory.

The Loss of Two Tough-Guys
   Charles Bronson passed away on the first of this month. As I had reported on 8/15, he had been given days to live by his doctors. In a strange twist, the day before Bronson died, French actor Michel Constantin (not to be confused with the prolific American actor Michael Constantine) passed away. Constantin starred with Bronson in two classic 1970 Euro-crime films The Family (aka Violent City) and Cold Sweat.
 

08/18/03

God Help Us All, Hyung-rae Shim has returned!
   Speaking of Korean films... Hyung-rae Shim, the director of the Yonggary remake (released here on video as Reptilian) has returned with the amazingly silly looking D-War (aka Dragon Wars)!
   The Yonggary remake, originally made over many years and released in Asia in '99, was re-edited and re-shot (with many FX changes) to cater to the whims of potential US distributors. Very bad white actors and hideously dull dialogue, plot points and characters, killed any enjoyment to be derived from seeing Yonggary revived and wreaking havoc in modern day. After years of messing around with it to suit western tastes, it was finally dumped on video here in 2001.
   D-War could and should be a damn sight better than Yonggary, but man, does it look silly!
   Set in feudal times and in modern day, instead of having one big reptilian creature, it's got shit-loads (a highly scientific term meaning "a really, really lot"). As far as I can tell, the plot runs something about an evil empire of western-medieval looking knights who use dragons (some mounted with laser gatling guns) to run rampant over the populace. It appears that some sort of occurrence (a rift in time or something like that, I suppose) sends the dragons to a modern day city and of course all proverbial "hell" is broken loose.
   As silly as it looks (I keep thinking about George Lucas for some reason), you have to be impressed by the sheer number of different dragon types. Everything from the big, winged European types that you see on the covers of D&D manuals to eel-like creatures, raptor-like chicken walkers and the classic Chinese dragon.
   You can visit the official site and check out the action-packed teaser trailer, stills, poster art, etc. I don't use the term "guilty pleasure" much, if at all, but something this geeky certainly qualifies. It looks really silly, but I have to admit, I am looking forward to checking it out.
 

God Help Us All, Paul Naschy has returned!
  Speaking of bad movies... (Oh, I'm going to get hate mail for that!) As much as I love them old '70s and '80s Naschy outings (Hunchback of the Morgue is big favorite), his recent work has been less than stellar - hey, it happens when folks get old (unless you're Vincent Price). The fact that he is working with Fred Olen Ray (a man who has 75+ films under his belt and the best thing he's ever done is release Don Dohler's classic Alien Factor on DVD) on a resurrection of the Waldemire Dalinski character in The Unliving is reason to lament in itself.
   Hopefully this trend will break with his latest, a film that is getting some big hype on the 'net, called Rojo Sangre. Shooting in Spain at this very moment, the film not only stars Naschy, but is written by him and directed by his son, Christian Molina. The plot, as best I could decipher from the all Spanish site, is about a famous actor, who either kills those he perceived wronged him (ala Theater of Blood) or slips into delusional moments of bloodlust where he kills believing he is in a play or movie. It appears that Naschy is the cop hunting the killer down in this one. Either way it sounds rather giallo-ish and the stills look pretty damn good, actually. Sorry for the fuzzy details, if anyone has any solid info, feel free to clue me in. I'm looking forward to seeing a trailer for this one.

08/15/03

A Fate Worse Than Death
   According to several news sources, screen great Charles Bronson has been given only a few days to live by doctors in Los Angeles. The 81 year old legend has spent the past two years battling Alzheimer's and has suffered organ failure earlier this month.
   For those who just don't get it, Charles Bronson made some great movies in the '60s and '70s. Far too many people (myself included at one time) only knew Bronson for the plethora of mediocre and downright terrible films he made in the '80s with Cannon pictures. Fortunately some of his best work has been released on DVD lately, though sadly bereft of special features, so that some of those who haven't been clued in can see some of the classics.
   A veteran of almost 100 films spanning five decades, Bronson made several classics before really coming into his own in the late '60s. Starting with the Italian/French co-production of Farewell, Friend (1968 aka Honor Among Thieves), Bronson made a string of European films, many of which are not only excellent films, but co-star some top cinema talent like Alain Delon, Henry Fonda, Jason Robards, Anthony Perkins, Telly Savalas, James Mason and Toshiro Mifune to name a few. Starting with 1972s The Mechanic Bronson really found his niche. A stone-faced tough-guy who was either tough as nails, but had a soft side, a nice guy pushed to his limits or other multi-faceted tough-guy roles. During the '70s the amount of top-drawer Bronson films is only equaled by the number of mediocre films made in the '80s. Films like Stone Killer (1973), Mr. Majestik (1974), Death Wish (1974), Hard Times (1975), Breakheart Pass (1976) and Death Hunt (1981, not the '70s, but the last great Bronson film) are superb films of another era that deserve to be rediscovered (along with the Euro items of the late 60s) so that we can brush aside dreck like Murphy's Law (1986) and Death Wish V (1995) and know Bronson for what he really was, a great American actor and icon.
 

Snatcher City
   Just a small update to yesterday's entry about Natural City. An English narrated trailer is now available and it explains the setting for the film.
  Set in the future after the Earth's surface is destroyed by war, humans live underground and cyborgs who pass for human are infiltrating society. An elite strike force is set up to terminate the cyborgs.
   That's the essence of it anyway, there appears to be a lot more than that going on in the film. The really interesting thing, to me anyway, is the fact that the plot-line sounds incredibly similar to not just Blade Runner, but to a Japanese adventure game called Snatcher, made for the PC Engine (the Turbo Grafix 16 here in the US) back in 1988. Originally a Japanese exclusive, the game was translated and ported to the Sega CD system back in the early '90s. It was a very limited run and because of that, it's become something of a Holy Grail (or now, with e-bay, just really expensive) for collectors. The plotline of Snatcher ran something like this: Set far in the future, man-kind has destroyed most of the Earth's surface in war and killed much of the population with a high-tech, lethal virus. As society is rebuilding itself a new threat is introduced. Cyborgs who steal the skins and identities of prominent humans. A special task force is put together to uncover and eliminate the snatchers.
   Verging on a blatant Blade Runner rip-off with elements of The Terminator, Snatcher used that inspiration as a springboard to a lot of original elements including an extensive history of the future world complete with politics, sports, fashion, culture, science and every other facet of life fleshed out in a rich and detailed way.
   Younger Koreans are gaming freaks (they sport the first death from dehydration because a man refused to stop playing an on-line game), so no doubt that they remember Snatcher better than most people in the States do. I'll be interested to see just how much like Snatcher, Natural City really is.

08/14/03

Korean Coolness?
   Korean cinema exploded with some seriously superb cinema from around '99-'01. After that sudden world exposure Korean filmmakers got bigger budgets and suddenly more Hollywood-ish with predictable plots and oodles of American movie clichés. It was a sad time to have something so great become so mediocre so quickly. But we are here to praise Caesar, not to bury him as the saying goes.
   A new sci-fi action film titled Natural City is due out in Korean theaters later this year and it looks really cool. It looks to have borrowed heavily from Blade Runner and maybe a few other noteworthy films, but that's not entirely a bad thing. It looks miles better than any sci-fi/action flick we've had here in the States in a long time.
   The official website is all in Korean, and still has some gaps to fill, but well worth a look. Better still, check out the trailers (nicer quality here, than the official site), and tell me this flick doesn't look killer.
  I'm about as giddy as a school-girl over this one, so I figured I'd run down my top must-see Korean films for those who are interested.

►   Shiri (1999): The big Kahuna. Released at the same time as Titanic drifted into Korean theaters, this slick, gripping political thriller blew that old boat out of the water. The highest grossing film in Korean cinema history, this sidesteps all the typical Hollywood clichés and combines great moments of shocking violence and subtle storytelling. Stars Suk-kyu Han, Korea's top box office draw. The plot concerns a plot by North Korea to kill South Korean officials by bombing the Goodwill Games. Secret agents, assassins, psychotic para-military leaders, great acting and production values.

►   Tell Me Something (1999): A great film-noir / horror film again starring Suk-kyu Han. This was also a big box-office success in Korea, but unlike the US, that is usually an indication of quality. A dark, even pitch-black combination of film-noir detective thriller and serial killer horror, this is one gristly, bloody, stylish film that owes a dept to the likes of Mario Bava and Dario Argento. A killer is leaving garbage bags filled with blood and body parts in public places and one detective must untangle the clues while becoming involved with a mysterious woman.

►   Attack the Gas Station (1999): Often cultural barriers and poor translation prevent crackers like me from truly appreciating Asian comedies. But not here. This is the most gutbustingly funny Asian film I've seen since I saw Steven Chow's masterpiece of James Bond spoofery From Beijing with Love back in '95. A group of bored teens have nothing better to do and decide to rob a gas station. The same gas station they robbed last night. This time the owner has hidden the money and so they decide to hold everyone hostage and work the gas station to steal the patrons gas money. It doesn't sound like much but it's all about the crazy characters who bounce in and out of the scene. Psychotic delivery boys, confused mobsters, stupid customers, the list goes on. Flat out hysterical even after repeated viewings.

►   Libera Me (2000): I can't say I have any idea what the title means, but even though some have made comparisons to Backdraft, this is one holds it's own. A big budget firefighter film that honors firefighters with a misty eye over a year before it became fashionable to do it here in the US due to 9/11. But while it is definitely saluting their heroism, this movie is one rip-roarin' ass-kicker all the way! A serial arsonist has the country on pins and needles while he sets up elaborate fire traps killing off firefighters one by one in huge infernos. The pyrotechnic work in this film is nothing short of jaw-dropping. No big Hollywood film can even hold a candle to the massive and small scale, high-tech combustible wizardry on display here. Exciting and impressive.

Richard Stanley Lives!
    Ok, so I knew he wasn't dead since I posted something last year about his new documentary film. It appears he has been pretty active lately on the documentary scene with his new film about voodoo titled White Darkness playing at the Fantasia film festival. This is the description from the festival film notes:

  Born out of the bloody uprisings of 1791, the complex, primal rituals of voodoo, (or voudou, or vodun - 'invisible force' in the Fon language of Benin), fuse West African and Roman Catholic beliefs in ways that many still find shocking. Commissioned by the BBC, filmmaker Richard Stanley spent three months in Haiti meeting priests, priestesses (houn'gan) and the loa (spirits), that were regularly invited to possess them, sending the displaced egos of the writhing supplicants deep into the void - the 'white darkness'. Stanley saw at the first hand how intricately voodoo is woven into the fabric of political and cultural life on the island. Real power in Haiti, says Stanley, lies not with the military or political leadership but with secret voodoo societies such as Bizango and Makanda, around whom has evolved a powerful myth complex involving cannibalism, shape shifting and the creation of zombies.

  I can't wait for this to hit the art houses or video. More info on Stanley's recent documentaries, straight from his own mouth, including The Secret Glory (2001) a documentary on the Nazi's obsessive search for the Holy Grail, can be found here. Really amazing stuff.

08/13/03

Many Beers Later...
    Well, hell! It's been 3 months since the last update and I have to apologize for that. I decided that even though the "new" news format was pretty damn cool... I hated it. It made updating news entries a pain in the ass and took more than twice as long for me to get done as before. This led to some serious procrastination, so now we're switching back to the "old" format, and hopefully this will get the news entries and TGIF stuff back on track somewhat. As well as the reviews and all that other crap that I've been promising for almost a year now. Ok, enough slackjawin', on to the news (some of which is a little old)!
 

Stuart Gordon Packs Some Heat
  Stuart Gordon, regardless of past failures that were compromised by greedy studio heads and RobotJox, for which there is no excuse, is in the upper echelon of directors who's films we eagerly anticipate around here.
   His latest took me totally by surprise. It looks to be one fucked up humdinger of a mob flick, of sorts. Titled King of the Ants and starring, of all people, Daniel Baldwin and George Wendt (seriously), the film's promotional web page (which has a trailer and stills) states:

   A part-time house painter is offered a large amount of money to murder an innocent man. Thus begins a twisted and terrifying film noir, in which nothing plays out quite the way that one might expect. Director Stuart Gordon (“Re-animator,’ “Fortress”), working from the acclaimed novel by Charlie Higson, has fashioned a taut engrossing thriller that’s a different kind of horror film.

   While some will probably be put off that it's not another straight-up horror flick, I think this has lots of potential to be one seriously cool, seriously weird-ass little flick.
 

House of 1,000 Sequels
   Flushed with semi-success, Zombie ain't stoppin' for nuttin'! And why should he? He was voted by a land-slide into the Fango Hall of Fame with only one movie under his belt that got mixed reviews, but was adored by 14 year old fanboys. The same clueless bastards who completely ignored the living legend H.G. Lewis who was for no apparent reason competing with Zombie for a Hall of Fame induction. Makes ya kinda sick doesn't it?
  According to Variety, Zombie has announced that he is now in the process of working on an as-yet untitled sequel (House of a 1,000,000 Corpses, perhaps?) for Lion's Gate that will reunite cast members Sid Haig, Karen Black, Sheri Moon and Bill Mosley. I get the feeling Lion's Gate figures they better milk Zombie's popularity while they can, as the sequel is set for an April '04 release. Crank that bitch out Rob! Why do I get the feeling it's going to be like one of his albums? Just a remix of the last frickin' album at a premium price. Not that I have anything against Mr. Zombie...
   Ironically because Ho1KC2 needs to be rushed into production to meet that anniversary release date, ol' Rob doesn't have the time to patch up the gutted R-rated release, or do any cool extras for the video release (yeah, I remember all those promises of an uncut video release also).
   The amount of footage missing is reported to be anywhere from 3 to 30 minutes, but I have a hunch it's probably in the neighborhood of 10 or less. Either way, we don't get to see it any time soon.
   A word of warning for those of you looking for it on the grey market - those "uncut" prints that you see some unscrupulous, or just plain stupid, people selling are actually the R-rated version.

Remakes and Redundancies
   The continued disgust for these modern hack-job remakes of past faves is reaching fever pitch around here and the remakes themselves are reaching stunning proportions. Here's a run-down of the latest:

►   Nothing needs to be said about the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake. It would be like remaking The Battleship Potyomkin or Pink Flamingos - what's the frickin' point!? You can't capture lightning in a bottle twice. Even the poster is a cheap rip-off! Anyway, you can view the trailer here, but be warned, in addition to it looking like a Gap jeans commercial, the big plot twist (which everyone seems to know about anyway) is blatantly spoiled.

►   The US remake of Luc Besson's Taxi, his only decent film since The Professional, is well underway and oh, lord is it gonna hurt! It's being directed by Tim Story of Barbershop non-fame, co-produced by both Besson and Ice Cube and will star... ready for this? Queen Latifah and Jimmy Fallon, oh ouch! This description was snagged from Filmjerk, who snagged it from the production company (ready for this?):

   The plot "focuses on Belle (Queen Latifah), the best taxi driver in Manhattan. A single mother and former pizza deliverer, she becomes renowned for her racing through the city streets at speeds upwards of 135 miles per hour. Brought into the NYPD fold when Washburn (Fallon), the worst driver on the force, screws up a drug bust, she teams with him in order to stop a team of bank robbers.". Amongst the supporting characters on hand there' Latifah's construction worker boytoy, an "exotic Latin spitfire" bank robbing gang leader, and Jimmy Fallon's drunken mother.

   Whoa!! "Suck" is just not a strong enough word.

►   According to the Canadian mag Rue Morgue, Wes Craven's remake of the superb Kioshi Kirosawa ghost story Pulse (aka Kairo) has been killed by Bob Weinstein for, get this, being "too similar to The Ring"! Does that just slay ya or what? You'd think that MiramAxe would be all over anything that is blatantly similar! They are the kings of similarity and mediocrity! Not that I really mind that it got canned, but the irony of the reasoning behind it is amazing. Craven, having actually shelled out the cash for the project, was not too happy with the news, and had this to say about it:

  "We were all terribly excited about that film and we had the rug pulled out from under us. I thought it was a brilliant movie, it just gets under your skin. I think Kurosawa is an interesting director. The way the ghosts were used, it’s like nothing that’s ever been done before. I could see that movie in my head, it was really going to be scary and fun. It’s extremely frustrating to not be able to do it".

  Well, Wes, here's an idea, since the Kirosawa film is completely dissimilar to any version of The Ring, and we agree that it is a great film, why not just release the original? Wild concept, I know.

►   In the "What the Fuck Are They Thinking?" department, we have Universal's Dawn of the Dead remake. A remake of Dawn of the Dead is not only unnecessary, but having hack writer James Gunn (of Scooby Doo infamy) script the thing, having the plot line involve dogs who fetch guns from the local gun shops to bring back to the mall and making one of the characters a skin-head who clashes with the token black guy and then they learn to live in harmony, like ebony and ivory, well... 'Scuse me while a retch for a bit...
  While Universal has killed internet rumors that the film will be cut to a PG-13, it still is an R-rated outing that won't come anywhere near the gore-splattered carnage of the unrated original.

►   The bon-o-fide, blood n' thunder, Suthun' ass kickin' classic Walking Tall is getting the rehash treatment by Kevin (All About the Benjamins) Bray. Not bad enough? Dwane Johnson aka The Rock is in the lead as Buford Pusser! While you are reeling from that one, I'm gonna land the head-scratcher of the year award: Taking over the role of Pusser's deputy, originally played by the late, great Bruce Glover, is none other than some jackass named Johnny Knoxville. Man, ol' Buford P must be a-spinnin' in his grave.

►   Yet another remake of the Burt Reynolds classic The Longest Yard is in the works, this time it is being considered a "comedy" <groan>. In the "Unconfirmed / Possibly a Rumor" department, word has it that Adam Sandler is eyeing the lead role. On that pathetic note, I'm going to call it a day.